2025-12-19
Really I am just tired and sad and exhausted. I don't want to worry my friends anymore so I just want to put my feelings down in a private place. They want me to stay positive and try to help me by trying to see things in a different light. Really there's nothing to talk about because there's nothing I can do about it but sometimes having someone to commiserate with instead of pretending everything is ok really helps.
Actually there has been something I've been meaning to write down.
In the short time that I had with the Hancock "swamp", I learned a lot about fandom culture in Japan. I knew nothing about what it was like. For example, I never knew anything about doujin culture and how carefully fanworks are treated. In America, fanworks can still be expensive because artists still want to make a profit. American ita bags are often made with fan merch and are proudly displayed! But in Japan, a lot of that is kept private so as to not step on the toes of the IP owners. Even taking a picture of what you bought at an event and posting it on social media is bad! Luckily I learned that one early on.
In the same vein, I originally had a Hancock plushie manufactured because there were none. I used to see fan-designed and bulk manufactured plushies of copyrighted characters in America or Korea all the time! When I learned that was looked down upon, I put mine away and learned to make my own. It was a lot of hard work! My hands are really worn out and can no longer hold something as thin as a pencil without it hurting so a needle was even more difficult. But I pushed through and now I have a lot of fun doing nui-katsu. I took a year break and then made my WoL into a plushie too! I'm really happy with how they both came out and they're so cute. But even at doujin events, I'm afraid to take them out because the plushies are unique and their photos are posted online. I don't want to be recognized by hostile people so there are places that I should have been able to enjoy them but can't. It makes me sad because if anyone knew the truth, I don't think it would be this way.
I had also not drawn for many years. When I was little, I showed my mom my drawings once but she grabbed my sketchbook and dragged me across our restaurant and flung me to the wall because she didn't want me to waste my time drawing. Ever since then, I never showed her anything, never talked to her about anything. I quit everything because I was never able to choose what I wanted to do, not even once. Trying to draw always brings up those negative memories and there was never any reason for me to try again. But since even paying for fanworks are a grey area, now I'm trying to learn how to draw as quickly as I can. I even drew gifts for people but before I could deliver them, I learned that drawing someone's character without permission is also taboo! I never spoke to them about it but before I could, everything changed and I could no longer talk to them. I don't feel regret having drawn them but I deleted them after learning I should have asked first. There was so much for me to learn and it was all so new to me. I even joined a JP server so I can attend art parties since I knew people there would be OK having their characters drawn. I still haven't attended one because I'm afraid to run into certain people. I never joined NA art parties because it's expected for someone to use a certain program to see modded characters. I didn't want to use that plugin so I can't join. Still, I hope that one day, I can attend art parties for vanilla characters and that my drawings will be worth giving to someone.
Lastly, talking to people in the Hancock swamp was my biggest motivation for learning Japanese. I wanted to communicate with everyone! I wanted to be able to read their ideas and be able to share mine too. I wanted to meet them at doujin events and be able to talk to them! Ever since coming to Japan, I've been able to feel how close-knit the doujin community and even the handmade artist community really are. I always look forward to attending events my favorite artists are at! But when it comes to anything related to Hancock, I just watch from afar now.
I always heard about how no matter how long you've been in Japan, a foreigner will always be treated like a foreigner and I didn't believe it. But now it feels like an insurmountable wall. There were so many new things to learn and I didn't learn them quickly enough. Still, I managed to find a community that I'm accepted in and I'm grateful for that. And even though my time with the Hancock swamp was short, I'm also grateful for the things I learned when I was with them. Meeting everyone gave me the strength to create again for the first time since I was little.
I don't really know how to close this. It's not meant to be read by anyone so it doesn't really matter. But I feel better putting my feelings down so I guess that's good enough.